Wallow-Wallow-Wallow

Sometimes I really cannot believe myself. Instead of delighting in one of God's greatest gifts to me (my Samuel Allen) I grumble to him, "Why Lord have you not blessed me with another child??!" I really thought that because Samuel came so easily that surely I would have like 10 kids before I'm 30! And then the fear creeps in and takes hold, "Maybe this is it! Maybe my dreams of having a big family are never going to happen!" And I know that Satan is delighting in all the grumbling I do inside. He wants me to be fearful and worried. He wants me to not trust God. He wants me to start to believe that God is punishing me. This is my struggle (okay, one of many). When I want something badly I have a hard time waiting and I get scared I will never get it. I have always dreamed of having a big family and to not have that come to fruition would be heartbreaking.

This is so out of my control and all I want is to feel abundantly blessed and thankful everyday for my Samuel Allen that I don't have reason to complain about not having another one. I do feel so blessed. I love my Sam so much and he is part of the reason why I want another child right now. He is such an amazing child and every day I have with him is a gift from God. And then I feel bad for even mentioning that I am worried about not having another child when there are people out there who cannot even conceive one child.

What it all boils down to is not being content with what I have and not trusting in God's plan for my life (that he knows what is best for me including how many kids He gives us).

But how do I not wallow in sadness if I never get to have another child? I'm okay right now because it has only been 8 months but how will I feel a year from now? Will I lose all hope? Will I feel depressed inside? Will I allow Satan to steal my joy?

There I go again, thinking about the future and all the "what if's..." instead of taking today as it is.