A Personal Moment

I don't even know how to begin this post. A part of me thinks this is too personal to share on a public blog and another part of me doesn't care. I feel alone in this problem.I feel like there are few who understand. Or, at least, amongst those who I actually know there are few who deal with this issue (that I know of). I talk to God all the time about this issue. I wonder if I am being punished, but then I think that this is faulty thinking. Or, is it? I try to remind myself that God's plan is bigger and better than my own. God's thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways. He knows what is best for me and that helps with me patience. I try not to think about it too much because I don't want to be discontent in my daily life. I want to enjoy the blessings I have now and not allow the blessings that I do not have to make me ungrateful or to taint the good things in my life.

You see, since Samuel was born (14 months ago) we have been trying for another child. Children are blessings and I wonder why He has been withholding another blessing from us? To refine us? To make our faith greater? To make us content with what we have? Because He only wants us to have one child? I don't know. We don't have extra money nor great medical insurance to be able to see a fertility doctor. I've had basic medical exams (i.e. blood tests) and everything has come back normal. I know I need to focus on the great blessings I have in my life. And, God has spared me from the agony of miscarriage and/or having a stillborn child.It could be a lot worse, I know. Yet, I struggle.

Even as a little girl I hoped I would have a big family. I use to tell people that I wanted eight children. In fact, sometimes I think I should not be watching "Jon & Kate Plus Eight" because I start to feel discontent about my own life. Logically, I think eight children would be too much for us to handle. I always say "four or five" and Travis says "two or three". So, I think a good compromise would be four (har har har). Nevertheless, I hope for many children (whether that be 3, 4 or 5).The thought of never having another child frightens me.I try not to think about it actually and hope and pray God has more children planned for us.

The irony is that I may get pregnant within the next 6 months and I'll think, "Why was I worried? I just needed to wait on God's timing!I should trust Him more." For years I agonized about when I would get married. When I reached age 25 and was still unmarried,I thought,"Am I ever going to get married?? Why is God withholding this blessing from me? This stinks, I'm going to be single for the rest of my life!!!" And then, a couple months later, I met Travis and we both instantly knew that we were meant to be together. We were married within 6 months.And, of course, now I think,"What was I so worried about?! I should have enjoyed my singless more. I should have traveled more. I should have spent more time being thankful for my singleness than being discontent! I should have taken advantage of that time and not worried about 'this guy' or 'that guy'." I should be using the lesson learned from that and apply it to my current situation, but I still struggle.

I guess I am sharing this on my blog as a way of working through this issue in my life. Also, maybe others will pray for me.

Some days are better than others.Some moments I think, "I should just focus on my family and losing weight. I should focus on being a better wife and mother." Yet, my heart still cries out for another precious baby.:(